Sisters are forever damn it. Or I'll be gone.... I'm already lost.
Great, welcome him gently.
baa baa baaaaaaa
Thank you for the beginning of heartstring music appreciation.
Safe travels.
As a Florida conch first, he was a man first, and then a husband before all the fancy stuff. I won't ever know but this is how I imagine my dad as a younger "man" regular guy: loving the beach, the music, the woman, and questioning things in life as all young men do.
Apology for the dark
Inappropriate humor break
The way it really is.
The greatest heartbreak comes from within the family, from the offspring, the progeny, they have no idea what living nightmares they can make us suffer for years; thus, creating a ripple effect throughout the ecosystem of the rest of the familial system. How much weight does the branch take before breaking? One person can have and cause such catastrophic damage through so many people not through actions, but contrary, the lack thereof of actions, which is much worse. I'd rather be literally dead than figuratively.
12/19
Some first thoughts: I just finished posting all the links on the posts to the pages cause I can't figure how else to get people to the actual pages otherwise. fucking doubt anyone will ever come to the pages and be curious enough to go through them 1) because they don't understand my concept or what the fuck I'm talking about, or 2) they don't give a shit what song reminds me about them or 3) even if they did they might not ever get the reference- this is my therapy, they might not receive the same kind of cathartic therapy I receive by being able to express myself this way.
I know a few people will get it immediately because at certain points in my life, indeed I tried throughout the entirety of my life, to surround myself with at least moderately intelligent people. I did this for self-preservation reasons and selfish reasons solely; the same reason I went into education. Again selfish reasons if I am truly honest.
I loathe stupid people!
I will reiterate to see if I can draw a clearer picture and as a writer, my soul purpose is to adequately express myself so you never have a doubt of a described circumstance, so permit me to attempt again.
When I say I loathe people I think back and will refer to a paper I wrote, when I was a teacher, for the school I was currently employed by the newspaper during statewide testing time, that was viewed as a mimically satire example of Johnathan Swift's own satire, A Modest Proposal. In Swift's version, he suggested the poor, starving families of Ireland start eating their children because the government was rediculous on taxes (or something to that effect--- don't correct me its not the point).
My Modest Proposal suggested that like Swift that instead of spending money on allowing children 3 years to take a required state test to graduate then giving a completion certificate, and requiring teachers to teach to the test for performance pay, instead, we should just start eating stupid people. My proposal was simple if you failed the FCAT 3 times you willing registered to the Food processing center. This had a 4-fold benefit. 1. Lower Crime Rates, 2. Lower Population, 3. End World Hunger, 4. Give Stupid People a Sense of Purpose make it an Honor, and wrote the whole ideas out. I even pointed out that ground up and doused in BBQ sauce, stupid is the other white meat.
The newspaper printed it, students, teachers, administration loved it because of the Satire jab at the futility and waste of the FCAT and standardized testing and how we need to get rid of it. And while a big part of me does agree with that side of the argument, especially as a teacher, I do have another side.
I meant every fucking word!
The test is only a 10th-grade level. If you lazy mother fuckers or whatever your sad case is, and yea I know they are out there, but you got 3 chances, if you cant get your shit together to pass a 10th-grade fucking test and you aren't EVER going to get smarter than you are right now? You need to be my lunch tomorrow and I don't give a flying F.
Peta ought to be happy. Save a cow, give me an ignorant mf who is UNWILLING to make himself or herself better. I stayed late, I tutored, I even did inclusion classes. I will go not the extra mile, but the extra 100 miles for not for 1 child, but for 100s over the years, and I guarantee on my life if you ask any of my past students they'd tell you, even the bad ones (right Chris, Teddy, Kenny, Roger... all little fuck-head wanna be's who mom B got hold of and they turned out amazing).
So, if there are handfuls of slick shits who won't even meet me halfway, they don't deserve to breathe my oxygen. They have few life choices and they all effect me poorly: drugs, jail, dead at 25 anyway. My way is more humane on them and society. If you are stupid, which to me means you willing refuse to better yourself, to become educated, smarter some way for your life, you deserve to die, but in a way that benefits the rest of humanity. That's how much I hate stupid people
First tangent over
But I do hope some of the more intelligent people that I tried to surround myself with throughout my life will peruse the files and find intrigue, humor, intellect, and perhaps even inspiration.
I did have a wicked thought. With the realization that perhaps this blog will never be discovered by anyone and will for my pure therapy and enjoyment only, part of me reeeeaaallly wants certain people to happen upon it and to wonder, discover, be totally ignorant like I thought they would be, laugh, cry, tell me to fuck off, tell me they love me, have any reaction, which is why I point out again music is a relationship. and sometimes its a liaison between two people, a mediator, a translator. So, I thought it would be funny as hell, being me, to put in my last will and testament that everyone that shows up to my funeral has to sit through the entire auditory portion of the blog and try and figure out who I am talking about as like a team participatory sport. Can you imagine all the secrets coming out after my death if everyone showed up, was forced to listen to all the playlists together and confess, guess and discuss whose song belonged to who and what it meant. And the best part is I'm dead so, haha it's up to everyone else to figure out what they should have done when I was around.
The first person to back out of this idea of my mom and wouldn't stick around-- my mom. She never cared for my narcissistic pov and therapy. I loved her forms of compliments, "Catherine is probably the smartest person, next to Great (my grandmother), I have ever met. Her IQ is off the charts, her ideas are incredible."....."Catherine, (deep sign) quit trying to do things your way. The only right way is my way. Don't have an original thought. Go to multiple other doctors, therapists, take multiple pills try everything else, but whatever you do, ignore yourself." Btw, love your choice of the second career after teacher mom, best therapist ever, I'm sure. How people let this woman around their loved ones is beyond me!
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother more than anything. She's my mom!!! But I have the habit of having one personality speaking brutally honest, and I'm that way when it comes to myself too, so it fine!. I love my mom as much as my kids, which is why her betrayal hurt (s) and is beyond ever getting over. It's copable, but you don't get over things like that. Soldiers don't get over wars, they have PTSD forever.
have PTSD forever. I have coping skills. but that pit in my gut that was planted as a child and then had a grenade thrown in it four years ago.... and she never gets better.
I love her she's my mother, but she's a big part of why my soul is dead too. Why I'm not who I was ten years ago. We aren't supposed to blame our parents or our childhood for our mental behavior as adults and I get that. in therapy, we work through our childhoods, but mine hasn't ended. it will never end.
Happy thought with that though. I recently asked how is it that some people are incapable of forgiveness. Short of seriously hurting my child, if you were EVER important to me, there is very little and very few people that I couldn't forgive if they asked. I don't understand the concept. I mean it. If you are family or a friend as close as a family or a lover or whatever. You don't have to have the same relationship as perhaps you once did, but you forgive each other and move on and try to build perhaps a different kind of relationship, small at first if necessary, acquaintances, pt friends. but to never forgive someone for years on end, to cut them from your life for.. forever??? what is this? how does someone do this? need a break of? but years and forever? what does that mean? I thought forever meant together.
How is it I've been lied to my whole life by every person I've ever known at some point. Other people, whom I've discussed this with, have no problem letting go of people over time, for the rest of their lives??? What?? that's crazy.
To me, every person that is on these playlists that I don't speak with, because of that, I have lost a limb. I have lost a functioning arm a part of my body that I needed for daily existence. They were so significant to my daily functioning they were like my right hand. So when they left, it's like I lost my right arm.
Now I have to learn how to live without a right arm, its an adjustment period.
Some vets say they still feel their ghost limb. and it's true, without those people in my life I still feel them. I'm haunted by their ghosts even though their not dead, the ghost of our relationship haunts me; and it pains me.
Somehow that bad year, I lost nearly everyone, my ride or die people, my forever people. I had no idea three years later, they still would not have forgiven me, tried to figure some things out.
I mean part of me should be so happy, out somewhere celebrating. I published my first book, what I've always wanted to do.
But when they all left, they took the majority of my heart and all of my soul. I still cry, I still get angry, and I still hurt, so a tiny piece of heart must be left, but everything else is gone. I have no one to share my happys, fears, sorrows, achievements, anything with. I try David, and God knows I love him, but I really don't think he has ever gotten me; he just wants to take care of me, not understand me. Even the close friends I maintain, I'm guarded with what I share. We've already seen what happens when you share too much. They walk out, spread rumors and lies about you, and cut you from their lives for 3 years. Fuck you very much. 30 years washed away, and BTW, yes I fucked them both. Now you can really hate me. I even aborted one of you bitches "true loves" mistakes. HA oooo the secrets I still have.
But I keep all my secrets safely hidden away within the lyrics of music that shall only be played at my eulogy.
You deserve so much more than I gave. I'm glad we have come to terms and are in a good place now. I will always love you, and the daughter we had together.
I owe you the biggest apology for so many things that I now understand. I was too young. I didn't get it; our timing was wrong. The love was and will always be real, but it wasn't all your fault and certainly not for so many things I totally see in a different light. I hope you are well, my first heart.
